Lexapro Weaning Update

Heh. That title makes me think of weaning a pig off milk, not me off anxiety drugs. 

My doc told me to take 5mg Lexapro every other day for two weeks and then stop. That should, according to him, make it so I don't develop withdrawl symptoms such as agitation, or make me feel like I've got a stomach bug. I, however, am picking and choosing my symptoms as I please, and according to moi I have a bad cough and am damn overly easily agitated. Feel free to blame it on the lexapro, or on me being moody, but don't say so in my hearing unless you aren't particularly attached to your head. 

(Also feel free to send thoughts of sympathy and candy to Nick, since he's had to deal with me being grumpier in the last two days than I have been in the last six months. I'm sorry, sweetie.)

I may be weaning off my drugs but I'm doing it with a lot less grace than a pig would wean off milk. 

Paranoia from an Anxious Mind

I am a nervous person even without the anxiety that developed from my IBS. I bit my nails, I forbade my brother from doing anything dangerous like jumping out of airplanes or joining the military, I would get nervous stomachaches whenever I got a new boyfriend (on an interesting note, I did not get a stomachache when I started dating Nick. It's meant to beeee!) My mind can take a perfectly normal situation and make it into a scenario full of DOOM.

Yesterday, Nick was supposed to pick me up at 7:30AM for us to go to school. He is never, ever late, whereas I am a chronically late kind of girl. Yesterday, Nick was late. Allow me to show you the progression of my paranoid mind.

7:30 AM-- Where is Nick? He's never late. Oh well, at least I have time to put on make-up!

7:32 AM-- He's still not here. I can re-heat my peppermint tea!

7:33 AM-- Do I have everything? He's going to be grumpy if I take a ten more minutes to get ready if we're already running late. Must find yoga mat!

7:36 AM-- Still not here?! Maybe I should call his house. No, that would be too panicky. Be calm, Katie.

7:37 AM-- What if something happened? He's never this late! Ohgodohgodohgod. Must be calm.

7:38 AM-- HE'S DEAD! Dead in a ditch on the road! Crashed into a telephone pole! I'll call his cell, and if he doesn't answer I'll know that he's lying unconscious in his car's wreckage with gasoline seeping out of the tank about to light on FIRE!

7:39 AM-- I'm calling his house to see what time he left so I can calculate how likely it is that he's dead in a ditch at this very moment. No, Katie, be calm. That's unlikely. He's a good driver. Wait another minute to see if he shows up, then call.

7:40 AM-- Still no Nick oh god even though he's a good driver maybe someone else hit him oh my god I have to call his house right this instant my stomach hurts ow oh god--

7:40 and 43 seconds, Nick pulls up. I melt into a puddle of profoundly relieved goo and then pull myself together, order myself to not fling myself into his arms because then he'll think I'm weird, climb into the car and finally hiss, "Never be late again because I can't take it!" He just laughed and said he was only late because he forgot he was picking me up today and got onto the freeway before he remembered. We'll see what he thinks about me after he reads this post. ^_^

Something to Remember

Sometimes I really do love my boss. He has been really understanding about my anxiety issues and stomach problems. (Also it is nice to have a doctor, albeit for animals, because if I have any questions about my meds then I just ask him!)

He has also given me some great advice. When I start to panic about choosing a career and work and my stomach he just reminds me that my health and school are the most important things right now, and that what I do right now will not ruin my life.

He said that there are a million things that I can do and still have a happy life. There are lots of careers that I can choose and be happy in. He said that there are a million ways to make money so don't worry about that, and that the important thing is that I am happy and healthy.

Paranoia vs. Intellect

I went out Saturday night to a club with fifteen friends (including Nick! I actually got my boyfriend to go out to a club and he didn't hate it! He drank a rum and coke! I drank a vodka cranberry!) and had a fabulous time and didn't get home until like 4 am but I can't write about it yet because I am in that stage of paranoid anxiety of waiting to see if I get sick because my friend who I danced with all night and shared waters with threw up in the car on the way home and has a stomach bug and now I am freaking out that I might get it. 

The last time I had a stomach bug was right before my stomach got BAD, and  OW, and DAMN, GO TO A DOCTOR WOMAN. I think my freaking out now is because I am worrying that if I get it again; will my stomach be able to cope and get back to how it is now, or will I be faced with months and months again of slowly recuperating? THAT IS THE QUESTION THAT IS SLOWLY DRIVING ME BATSHIT INSANE. 

I used to know my body and feel comfortable that I could fight things off, and even if I was sick, pshaw! it would be just for a day. I will get better! I am Supergirl! RAWR. Now, dealing with my body up and misbehaving and making me question my stomach and my brain and anxiety and jeeebus gawd, I need a chill-pill. 

So. I am sorry, everybody that has to deal with me and listen to me whining and complaining and freaking out. I'm so sorry, Nick, that you are stuck with a pain in the butt girlfriend that isn't much fun because I am always feeling bad. I'm trying. Honest. 

My First Counseling Appointment

Okay, the most important thing from that appointment: my therapist had a COUCH. (I was a little disappointed it wasn't one of those reclining couches, but it was a nice deep red leather/fake leather that was squishy. Nice!) 

Oh, I kid. That wasn't the most important, but it was certainly the most exciting. We sat down, and she asked me what I wanted to talk about today, and I said basically coping skills to help me deal with stress and anxiety. Then I launched into my speech of my six months of dealing with gastritis/IBS/acid reflux/heartburn and anxiety. (Speaking of anxiety, guess who just paid a hundred dollars for a months worth of Lexapro? $#%&!) As I spoke about my grandparents deaths, and my health issues, and the anxiety, and the effect of all of that on school . . . her eyes kept getting bigger and bigger. 

So! Here we go! To help me calm down when I realize I am either obsessive thinking or starting to have a panic attack, I now have these tools to work on: 

1) Deep breathing. (In to a count of eight, hold for a count of eight, and out to a count of eight.) 

2) Meditation. Also try counting an inhale and exhale as "one" and trying to reach 10 without having a thought. If I get distracted, I have to start over.

3) Exercise. (DUH. If I had a nickel for everybody who told me to exercise, and the number of times I thought "I should really exercise", I would be able to afford an endoscopy without insurance.)

4) Journal. (Or blog.)

5) Visualization. Go to a happy place (see it, taste it, smell it, hear it, feel it) and once you're there gently tap your hands to your knees so you get a physical response, which is supposed to make it easier to calm down after time.)

I asked about how to cope with grief as well, and she suggested: 

1) Talk to somebody about it. 

2) Write Grandma a letter. 

3) Talk to Grandma/Grandpa/Boppa, to either a picture or their graves. 

When I go back for my second appointment in January she wants to try something called EMDR (I think) that I still need to Google. 

College Confessions: "Finals? What Finals?"

I'll bet you read that title and now think "Oh, Katie didn't study so she's pretending she forgot finals." 

Nope. I'm not taking them. 

You see, I am a special delicate flower and petitioned for an Incomplete in both microbiology and chemistry, so I now have a year left to finish both of those classes. An Incomplete basically means that I keep all of the grades that I have right now, and all of the work, but have another year to catch up and take any remaining tests (my chem final, micro lab exam 2, and micro final). Incompletes are granted to students that are unable to continue or keep up their grades in a class due to circumstances beyond their control. 

I did this because I simply do not think that I can finish these courses in the time remaining (school ends December 17th) and maintain B's in both, due to my gastrointestinal issues. (IBS/Gastritis/Heartburn/Acid Reflux/whathaveyou, plus the anxiety that I get that makes my stomach/IBS issues worse when I get stressed). This was not a decision made lightly; when my microbiology teacher told me about an option for Incomplete a few weeks ago I thanked her and said that knowing that would probably alleviate my stress levels, but that I thought I could handle it. 

. . . and I couldn't, not really, not and get the grades I want (need). I feel kind of happy about this decision, because ohmigod the stress isn't so bad; but then I feel bad about it, because I never ever have failed a class or not finished a test and what will people think and will this even make a difference to my grades, and that just leads to its own anxiety. But not too bad. (I hope). My stomach is actually acting up a little bit today, when it has been pretty good for about a week now, on and off. 

So I'm curled up in a chair, listening to the rain outside as I sip my peppermint tea (it's an anti-spastic!) and watch the Christmas tree lights twinkle while I wonder at what exactly has happened to the single-minded, driven, completely healthy girl I used to be. 

Traveling to Thanksgiving

A few things I have realized today, from packing this morning and driving eight hours to LA:

1) My kittens new favorite toy is whatever clothing item I am trying to pack. 

2) I don't like traveling. My stomach/IBS doesn't like driving eight hours. I had split pea soup for lunch and omg, hello freaking heartburn and upset stomach. Also a bit of anxiety from a change in routine. 

3) I need to go to the library, I had no books to read. I snoozed most of the way. 

4) My kitten chewed my laptop's charge cord. It no longer charges. Oops. 

5) I drink way too much water and suffer from Tiny Bladder. 

6) You actually CAN fit six people (my parents, brother, myself, Quentin, and his French friend Louis) plus two dogs and luggage into one van. I would not, however, recommend it. 

Semantics

I have decided to call the Lexapro "anti-anxiety pills" instead of "anti-depressants" since I am being treated for anxiety and not depression. So there.

The Long-Anticipated Doctor's Visit!

I had my long awaited doctor's appointment on Wednesday, finally, after months of delaying it because of insurance worries. I started off (after waiting half an hour for the doctor) by telling him what's been going on for the past five months. Remember, his initial diagnosis of my problems was gastritis. 

Well! 

He now believes I have irritable bowel syndrome. Plus reflux. With a little heartburn on the side. He would like to refer me to a specialist, and have an endoscopy and a colonoscopy done (oh joy!), but we will wait until I have insurance because those are expensive. 

When he heard how I can obsess over things (like worrying about people dying) and how I stress a lot (to the point where I make myself sick over a test) he nodded and said that he wanted to try something that he had found helped patients with IBS that have this problem. 

He wants me to try anti-depressants. (I'm on dem CRAZY PILLS!) These will provide a filter between my obsessive worrying brain and my delicate as a flower stomach.

My initial reaction was "What?! Crazy pills! I'm not crazy! . . . am I crazy?" I did not actually say any of this out loud. Dr. Amazing gave me some free samples (love. my. doctor.) of Lexapro, which treats for, among other things, General Anxiety Disorder. And . . . huh. I took a test (not intended to be a diagnosing tool!) on the Lexapro site, (yes, I do research all of my medicine. I read the fine print), and gee whiz, I do have some of those . . . quirks. I was still kind of skeptical, in the realm of "I don't want anti-depressants. I'm not depressed! I'm a happy person!" but when I told Nick, right after my appointment, he said that was the first thing he'd heard that really made sense. 

Because I do stress out over ridiculous things, and have some obsessive/compulsive behaviors when it comes to worrying, and sometimes I can't stop. And if these pills can calm that part of me down so I can focus on getting my damn stomach healed, so much the better. 

For my stomach, my doctor sent home a few weeks free of Kapidex 60mg once a day (It is nearly the same as the Prevacid was, except it's two times the dose and this one is a delayed release capsule, so it lasts longer). I started that Wednesday night. So far, it is working much better than the Prilosec twice a day was, but I'm going to wait a few more days before giving it a really positive rating. (Plus, I had a micro test today that stressed me way out, which equals worse tummy and reflux. But it wasn't as bad as it has been! Yay!) 

He also suggested I think about seeing a therapist to discuss ways of coping with stress, besides rerouting all the bad to my stomach. I had tossed that idea around before but didn't ever do anything about it. Now I will. 

Last but not least, (oh, definitely not least), he thinks that I can start eating normally again, just obviously omitting foods that upset my stomach. People. I HAD EGGS FOR BREAKFAST. I LOVE EGGS. They were the most delicious damn eggs I've ever tasted. If my stomach is still behaving, in about one week I'll start adding dairy in again. (She says, after just eating caesar salad and alfredo from the soccer banquet for Quentin. Oops). 

So! To summarize that hodgepodge of information! The Kapidex should control the crazy acid, which should help the irritable bowel. The Lexapro (1/2 a tab once a day for one week, then one every day) should help me control my stress and worry, which will definitely help my stomach and irritable bowel. My doctor does not think these are forever things, just until my stomach is healed up and I learn better coping techniques. 

I, for one, have learned some very important lessons:

First, if your doctor tells you five months earlier that you should not take hard classes because it will stress you out, LISTEN TO THE MAN. Don't take chemistry and microbiology (and music!) and expect to have an easy time. 

Second, if you are having problems with some aspect of your life, be it coping with stress, or grief, or just plain aaaaackness, get help early, for God's sake.

Third, start a blog because it is very cathartic.