Whoops

I haven't updated in so long that my computer forgot to remember my password for me, so I had to wrack my brains so I could post some gibberish. You're welcome. 

Gibberish Point the First: I am having a hellish few days and it's all my fault. If you remember, last year I took microbiology and chemistry (and some more stuff) and got so stressed that I got IBS and it took me a year to feel better. I got Incompletes in my classes which meant I could take a year to finish my classes--and to finish them I need to take three finals. Which I procrastinated on for nearly a year. I have eleven days to take them and finish my education class and still work during which I am taking over teaching computers. I was busy for twelve hours straight today. 

Gibberish Point the Second: dude, THANKSGIVING HAPPENED! I spent it with Nick and his family at their cabin in the snow! It was awesome! We ate a lot and played games and drank mai tais and discovered we don't like Bloody Mary's and totally didn't shop on Black Friday. 

Gibberish Point the Third: I am super serious about this working out and losing weight thing. So super serious that I totally worked out for 45 minutes and then made cookies. BOO-YEAH! 

Gibberish Point the Fourth: We finished watching all the available seasons of Psych and really want the next season to come out on netflix so we can stare mindlessly at the TV some more!

Gibberish Point the Fifth: My Nanny is moving here from Florida! She gets here soon. We're very happy she is going to be living near us!

Okay. I'm gonna go zone out in front of X-Files (my boyfriend is a geek) for the rest of the night so I can study my butt off tomorrow for my lab exam and portfolio tomorrow. Ugh. 

And with Bated Breath . . .

. . . I will tell you that I have been off Kapidex, a prescription medication that controls the acid in your stomach, for nearly three weeks and haven't experienced any really bad days! So crossyourfingersandknockonwood that it stays the same!

In a similar vein of finger crossing, I am about to start weaning myself off of the Lexapro, which is an anxiety medication. I'm on 10mg once a day, and will start shaving off a bit to get it down to 5mg a day, and then see how I do. Lexapro is a type of med where you cannot go cold turkey on it unless you want some serious side effects. I know that Lexapro has helped control my IBS and gastritis very well, and I'm so glad my doctor suggested it, but since I've been feeling so well and dislike being on meds, I want to see what happens if I go off of them.

Wish me luck!!!

Wondering

. . . if I really need to be on the dose of Kapidex that I am , because I went off it for a week and a half and didn't have that many problems. (Kapidex 60mg is the medication that controls how much acid my stomach produces, because I have too much and then I get ouchy tummy). I am so happy that I was okay without it! I only took two Prilosec and one Prevacid over the week and a half to control acid, but I was fine until I ate a huge garlicky dinner. Then my tummy laughed at me for thinking I could eat that much garlic without feeling icky. So I picked up my Kapidex today and I think I will take it every other day and see how that goes. I suspect it will go fabulously.

Paranoia from an Anxious Mind

I am a nervous person even without the anxiety that developed from my IBS. I bit my nails, I forbade my brother from doing anything dangerous like jumping out of airplanes or joining the military, I would get nervous stomachaches whenever I got a new boyfriend (on an interesting note, I did not get a stomachache when I started dating Nick. It's meant to beeee!) My mind can take a perfectly normal situation and make it into a scenario full of DOOM.

Yesterday, Nick was supposed to pick me up at 7:30AM for us to go to school. He is never, ever late, whereas I am a chronically late kind of girl. Yesterday, Nick was late. Allow me to show you the progression of my paranoid mind.

7:30 AM-- Where is Nick? He's never late. Oh well, at least I have time to put on make-up!

7:32 AM-- He's still not here. I can re-heat my peppermint tea!

7:33 AM-- Do I have everything? He's going to be grumpy if I take a ten more minutes to get ready if we're already running late. Must find yoga mat!

7:36 AM-- Still not here?! Maybe I should call his house. No, that would be too panicky. Be calm, Katie.

7:37 AM-- What if something happened? He's never this late! Ohgodohgodohgod. Must be calm.

7:38 AM-- HE'S DEAD! Dead in a ditch on the road! Crashed into a telephone pole! I'll call his cell, and if he doesn't answer I'll know that he's lying unconscious in his car's wreckage with gasoline seeping out of the tank about to light on FIRE!

7:39 AM-- I'm calling his house to see what time he left so I can calculate how likely it is that he's dead in a ditch at this very moment. No, Katie, be calm. That's unlikely. He's a good driver. Wait another minute to see if he shows up, then call.

7:40 AM-- Still no Nick oh god even though he's a good driver maybe someone else hit him oh my god I have to call his house right this instant my stomach hurts ow oh god--

7:40 and 43 seconds, Nick pulls up. I melt into a puddle of profoundly relieved goo and then pull myself together, order myself to not fling myself into his arms because then he'll think I'm weird, climb into the car and finally hiss, "Never be late again because I can't take it!" He just laughed and said he was only late because he forgot he was picking me up today and got onto the freeway before he remembered. We'll see what he thinks about me after he reads this post. ^_^

Finally

After nine months of stomach problems, insurance hold-ups, and a mis-mash of diagnoses, I finally saw a gastroenterologist on Thursday.

Brief History! Last June, right after the semester let out and I finished up some really hard classes, I got the flu. And got better. And got sick again. And got better. Ish. Not really. My doctor said I had gastritis, and said to take Prevacid for two weeks and I would be better. Nope. Fast-forward through months of continued taking of prevacid and then prilosec, feeling sort of better and then getting sick again, getting more and more freaked out about what is wrong with me. Go to the doctor again after losing 17 pounds, and get a diagnosis of acid reflux, heartburn, gastritis, and IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), and go home with some super awesome acid-suppressors and anxiety medication. Start to feel better. Gain 7 pounds, yay! Go to GI doctor!

So my GI doctor says that I have the classic symptoms of IBS and nervous stomach. He says to continue taking the Lexapro and the Kapidex, work on managing stress, and that he doesn't think I have anything to worry about.

Some interesting things that he brought up: that I have post-infectious IBS (triggered by the flu in June), and that I may outgrow it in 1-2 years! He mentioned like a four word thing I can't remember too, that is basically hypersensitivity of the stomach and intestines--so something that a normal person wouldn't even notice is uncomfortable for me. He said that he doesn't think I need an endoscopy (or colonoscopy, thank God! Not until I'm 50 or whatever) unless the endoscopy would give me peace of mind. I'm not doing it, I feel well enough that I'm not as paranoid as I used to be.

Let's hope that within another year or so my symptoms disappear completely! I would love to be normal again and not need to take medications anymore!

Something to Remember

Sometimes I really do love my boss. He has been really understanding about my anxiety issues and stomach problems. (Also it is nice to have a doctor, albeit for animals, because if I have any questions about my meds then I just ask him!)

He has also given me some great advice. When I start to panic about choosing a career and work and my stomach he just reminds me that my health and school are the most important things right now, and that what I do right now will not ruin my life.

He said that there are a million things that I can do and still have a happy life. There are lots of careers that I can choose and be happy in. He said that there are a million ways to make money so don't worry about that, and that the important thing is that I am happy and healthy.

Wondering . . . (AKA My Oversharing: Let Me Share It With You)

. . . if there is a way to physically share the feelings of exactly how sucky it is to have IBS and period cramps and how amplify each other and then radiate down your knees and around to your back and then back again.

I spent the morning curled into a ball on the couch with a heating pad on my abdomen, (but not too high or I felt nauseated), snarling at anybody who talked to me, hating IBS and the fact that your period makes IBS symptoms worse which was definitely obvious, goddammit.

My First Counseling Appointment

Okay, the most important thing from that appointment: my therapist had a COUCH. (I was a little disappointed it wasn't one of those reclining couches, but it was a nice deep red leather/fake leather that was squishy. Nice!) 

Oh, I kid. That wasn't the most important, but it was certainly the most exciting. We sat down, and she asked me what I wanted to talk about today, and I said basically coping skills to help me deal with stress and anxiety. Then I launched into my speech of my six months of dealing with gastritis/IBS/acid reflux/heartburn and anxiety. (Speaking of anxiety, guess who just paid a hundred dollars for a months worth of Lexapro? $#%&!) As I spoke about my grandparents deaths, and my health issues, and the anxiety, and the effect of all of that on school . . . her eyes kept getting bigger and bigger. 

So! Here we go! To help me calm down when I realize I am either obsessive thinking or starting to have a panic attack, I now have these tools to work on: 

1) Deep breathing. (In to a count of eight, hold for a count of eight, and out to a count of eight.) 

2) Meditation. Also try counting an inhale and exhale as "one" and trying to reach 10 without having a thought. If I get distracted, I have to start over.

3) Exercise. (DUH. If I had a nickel for everybody who told me to exercise, and the number of times I thought "I should really exercise", I would be able to afford an endoscopy without insurance.)

4) Journal. (Or blog.)

5) Visualization. Go to a happy place (see it, taste it, smell it, hear it, feel it) and once you're there gently tap your hands to your knees so you get a physical response, which is supposed to make it easier to calm down after time.)

I asked about how to cope with grief as well, and she suggested: 

1) Talk to somebody about it. 

2) Write Grandma a letter. 

3) Talk to Grandma/Grandpa/Boppa, to either a picture or their graves. 

When I go back for my second appointment in January she wants to try something called EMDR (I think) that I still need to Google. 

College Confessions: "Finals? What Finals?"

I'll bet you read that title and now think "Oh, Katie didn't study so she's pretending she forgot finals." 

Nope. I'm not taking them. 

You see, I am a special delicate flower and petitioned for an Incomplete in both microbiology and chemistry, so I now have a year left to finish both of those classes. An Incomplete basically means that I keep all of the grades that I have right now, and all of the work, but have another year to catch up and take any remaining tests (my chem final, micro lab exam 2, and micro final). Incompletes are granted to students that are unable to continue or keep up their grades in a class due to circumstances beyond their control. 

I did this because I simply do not think that I can finish these courses in the time remaining (school ends December 17th) and maintain B's in both, due to my gastrointestinal issues. (IBS/Gastritis/Heartburn/Acid Reflux/whathaveyou, plus the anxiety that I get that makes my stomach/IBS issues worse when I get stressed). This was not a decision made lightly; when my microbiology teacher told me about an option for Incomplete a few weeks ago I thanked her and said that knowing that would probably alleviate my stress levels, but that I thought I could handle it. 

. . . and I couldn't, not really, not and get the grades I want (need). I feel kind of happy about this decision, because ohmigod the stress isn't so bad; but then I feel bad about it, because I never ever have failed a class or not finished a test and what will people think and will this even make a difference to my grades, and that just leads to its own anxiety. But not too bad. (I hope). My stomach is actually acting up a little bit today, when it has been pretty good for about a week now, on and off. 

So I'm curled up in a chair, listening to the rain outside as I sip my peppermint tea (it's an anti-spastic!) and watch the Christmas tree lights twinkle while I wonder at what exactly has happened to the single-minded, driven, completely healthy girl I used to be. 

Traveling to Thanksgiving

A few things I have realized today, from packing this morning and driving eight hours to LA:

1) My kittens new favorite toy is whatever clothing item I am trying to pack. 

2) I don't like traveling. My stomach/IBS doesn't like driving eight hours. I had split pea soup for lunch and omg, hello freaking heartburn and upset stomach. Also a bit of anxiety from a change in routine. 

3) I need to go to the library, I had no books to read. I snoozed most of the way. 

4) My kitten chewed my laptop's charge cord. It no longer charges. Oops. 

5) I drink way too much water and suffer from Tiny Bladder. 

6) You actually CAN fit six people (my parents, brother, myself, Quentin, and his French friend Louis) plus two dogs and luggage into one van. I would not, however, recommend it. 

The Long-Anticipated Doctor's Visit!

I had my long awaited doctor's appointment on Wednesday, finally, after months of delaying it because of insurance worries. I started off (after waiting half an hour for the doctor) by telling him what's been going on for the past five months. Remember, his initial diagnosis of my problems was gastritis. 

Well! 

He now believes I have irritable bowel syndrome. Plus reflux. With a little heartburn on the side. He would like to refer me to a specialist, and have an endoscopy and a colonoscopy done (oh joy!), but we will wait until I have insurance because those are expensive. 

When he heard how I can obsess over things (like worrying about people dying) and how I stress a lot (to the point where I make myself sick over a test) he nodded and said that he wanted to try something that he had found helped patients with IBS that have this problem. 

He wants me to try anti-depressants. (I'm on dem CRAZY PILLS!) These will provide a filter between my obsessive worrying brain and my delicate as a flower stomach.

My initial reaction was "What?! Crazy pills! I'm not crazy! . . . am I crazy?" I did not actually say any of this out loud. Dr. Amazing gave me some free samples (love. my. doctor.) of Lexapro, which treats for, among other things, General Anxiety Disorder. And . . . huh. I took a test (not intended to be a diagnosing tool!) on the Lexapro site, (yes, I do research all of my medicine. I read the fine print), and gee whiz, I do have some of those . . . quirks. I was still kind of skeptical, in the realm of "I don't want anti-depressants. I'm not depressed! I'm a happy person!" but when I told Nick, right after my appointment, he said that was the first thing he'd heard that really made sense. 

Because I do stress out over ridiculous things, and have some obsessive/compulsive behaviors when it comes to worrying, and sometimes I can't stop. And if these pills can calm that part of me down so I can focus on getting my damn stomach healed, so much the better. 

For my stomach, my doctor sent home a few weeks free of Kapidex 60mg once a day (It is nearly the same as the Prevacid was, except it's two times the dose and this one is a delayed release capsule, so it lasts longer). I started that Wednesday night. So far, it is working much better than the Prilosec twice a day was, but I'm going to wait a few more days before giving it a really positive rating. (Plus, I had a micro test today that stressed me way out, which equals worse tummy and reflux. But it wasn't as bad as it has been! Yay!) 

He also suggested I think about seeing a therapist to discuss ways of coping with stress, besides rerouting all the bad to my stomach. I had tossed that idea around before but didn't ever do anything about it. Now I will. 

Last but not least, (oh, definitely not least), he thinks that I can start eating normally again, just obviously omitting foods that upset my stomach. People. I HAD EGGS FOR BREAKFAST. I LOVE EGGS. They were the most delicious damn eggs I've ever tasted. If my stomach is still behaving, in about one week I'll start adding dairy in again. (She says, after just eating caesar salad and alfredo from the soccer banquet for Quentin. Oops). 

So! To summarize that hodgepodge of information! The Kapidex should control the crazy acid, which should help the irritable bowel. The Lexapro (1/2 a tab once a day for one week, then one every day) should help me control my stress and worry, which will definitely help my stomach and irritable bowel. My doctor does not think these are forever things, just until my stomach is healed up and I learn better coping techniques. 

I, for one, have learned some very important lessons:

First, if your doctor tells you five months earlier that you should not take hard classes because it will stress you out, LISTEN TO THE MAN. Don't take chemistry and microbiology (and music!) and expect to have an easy time. 

Second, if you are having problems with some aspect of your life, be it coping with stress, or grief, or just plain aaaaackness, get help early, for God's sake.

Third, start a blog because it is very cathartic.